Paula Wilder On Valentine's Day Gifts

"The best gift a person can give his Valentine comes from the heart ... a commitment to leave media ideology out of the relationship." -Paula Wilder

Freelance writer, speaker, tutor, entrepreneur, and single mom of four Paula Wilder writes that our real-life expectations of relationships are often unfair due to fairy tale portrayals of romance in film and television. In the following examples, Paula looks at three Hollywood myths and offers us new ways to transcend them for Valentine's Day. Truth is a great gift, and not only is it free, it's sets us free.

The Leave it to Beaver Complex

Even though this is the 21st century, some women still don’t get to leave it to Beaver, but to have to be Mrs. Cleaver, and do it all. Some do this while also trying to take care of children, pursue a career, and volunteer in the community, leaving them very little free time.

Marybeth Mattingly and Suzanne Bianchi researched the differences of how much free time men and women enjoy as partners. Overall, men were found to have more free time than women. In their article, “Gender Differences in the Quantity and Quality of Free Time: The U.S. Experience” published in the journal, Social Forces, (Vol.81, No. 3, March 2003) they reported that “Women may be disadvantaged in terms of their enjoyment of family life because they disproportionately shoulder the responsibility for providing the setting (meals, preparation, decoration, etc.) for family activities, including free-time activities.”

The gift: Shared responsibilities in all aspects of household chores, thus giving each other more free time.

The Jerry Maguire Complex

In the 1996 movie, Jerry Maguire, the titled protagonist says to his love, “You ... you complete me.” In Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage (Viking Adult, 2010), she delves into many aspects of marriage. One problem she found in her quest was that too many couples want to be completed by each other rather than finding completion in themselves.

She explains that people want one plus one to equal one, rather than the truth that one plus one most often equals two. She writes when a partner wants the other person to complete her, she puts too much pressure on the relationship, and the other partner.

The gift: Give the gift of a whole person rather than a person who is looking for someone else to make him or her whole.

The Love Story Complex

In Erich Segal’s Love Story, the line, “Love means never having to say you are sorry,” has been a crutch in relationships. The assumption that an apology is not necessary if a man or a woman loves someone is wrong, misleading, and will eventually damage the relationship.

Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, authors of Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of a Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass, 2010) write that couples should always tell each other they are sorry. “There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. When you engage in behavior, actions, or words that are hurtful and damaging in your relationship with the one you love, you not only should you apologize, you must do so,” write the Schmitzs.

“In our humble opinion, no two people who profess to love each other can ever take the position that they don’t have to apologize to each other for saying and doing hurtful things. And, never take the position that ‘Oh, they know I love them. I don’t have to say I’m sorry.’ ”

The gift: Continued apologies throughout life for mistakes, mis-speaks, and wrongs.